Very Rational Entity Weblog

Iam a night person meaning to say i wake up late and sleep early am. And if wake up early im not in my usual self , most probably you’ll see me with that blank look on my face.

My moods picks up late in the afternoon, like if my duty starts at 7am expect that ill be absent minded for the first half of my duty which is from 7am till 12noon then onward ill be more alert.Thats why when im on 7-3shift i usually double check everything i do from the medications i give to the doctors order i carry out. During our rounds with the consultant i try to pinch myself hard , so ill feel the pain and probably wake up haha.. Or else my mind starts to wander on thin air .The long discussion and lectures sometimes makes me more sleeply. Most of the time i hide myself with mask so they won’t see me everytime i yawn, good thing that their culture here in KSA allows females to cover their face. And during procedures like bedside tracheostomy, bronchoscopy, endoscopy, central lines etc.. i try to load my self with a cup of coffee just to perk up stay alert.

The only nice thing with AM shift is you get to listen with the doctors discussions and lectures its almost the same as attending a paid symposium or lectures being given by consultants the only difference is its informal. Another advantage is going home at 3pm means having time to do a lot of things only that if you had a very busy day you’ll end up sleeping till the next morning.

Every time my mind start to wonder couldn’t help but look back about things in the past..

Events that i witnessed, peoples who cross my path, things that had major impact in my life.. And just by thinking of it all brings mixed emotions.

Some moments of helplessness, grief, & loss just makes my knees shake… my voice tremble and tears start rolling down my cheeks..But such events are unavoidable it happens just because it was meant to happen nothing in this world could prevent some situation to popped out from nowhere! it just happens.. There are those shadows who came my way some left footprints some just faded away..one way or another they all left memories like a dream as if i met them, knew them but not really.

Then there memories of triumph, joy and of new beginnings.. Success over physical,mental torture or as mundane as those over our own selfish wimps…

And yes of new beginnings the memory of that fresh breeze of spring that brings forth yet another hope.. Looking back i could hear mellow song being played over and over again reminding me of love lost & found.. I was so foolish then like child always stumbling down and every-time i FALL i have learned to push myself to the limit never give-up. I kept stumbling a few times over but when i found the right steps to take it lead me to a path i was so blessed to have found..

My trip down to memory lane is a roller coaster ride it has it’s ups & down. Nice to reminisce those good old stuffs.. T’was the past some ill blow to the wind goodbye, some ill keep lock deep down in my heart.

Just finished another day .. The usual routine i had to go through every waking day except of course on my day-offs when i could freely lounge on my bed..Just another boring day ..

My patient assignment is our old tenant let me call her mama A .. she is already considered a tenant in ICU given the fact that she already is a year old in the unit..They totally could not or shall i say dare not wean her off from her ventilator since she a relative of so & so.. Actually they tried to wean her off ventilator support several times over but several times over they failed don’t know why but i guess after some attempts they got tired.. So mama is left to our care.. The usual nursing care we render to each and every patient we handle here in icu only that she is for me a bit more special than the rest.. First because I’ve grown to really like her , every time i get assigned to her i see to it that i give her the extra attention.. A little bit pampering ..She reminds me of my old folks so sad that i was not given the chance to really take care of them they both died suddenly one year after the other.. My grandma of MI and grandpa of liver CA.. So every time i see mama A it reminds me of them somehow.. And how i wanted to take care of them..

I never imagined myself having to spend my next lifetime with a partner, a husband in particular.. It didn’t even occur in My wildest imagination that ill be married..

For one , i love a good love story im a normal girl i get so mushy over a good love story.. the type of girl meets boy they fall madly in-love goes against all odds and ends up happily married for the rest of their life..But hey the fact remains its just the movies where happy ever after exist..Statistic shows that there are great percentage of couples breaking-up even before they reach the so called “7year itch” of being married.. Just look around you everybody has their own marriage agonies to go through… And i don’t wanna be just another number in those stats!..

I was taught independence at an early age.. where you earn the fruits of your labor..  By the constant nagging of my grandma I’ve learned to be dependent on myself..Just like any stubborn independent person i hate it when someone meddles with my things, with the stuffs i do or get in the way of my decisions..So having someone means having to compromise a lot of things. There are decisions, and task that needs to be shared.To add like my mom usually says it would take a VERY VERY… Patient MAN loaded with much Understanding& Love to tolerate my childlike behaviors..

Lastly way-back then i couldnt picture myself walking down the aisle with all the traditional things.I find it so melodramatic, too mushy for me as if it doesn’t suit my personality.. I said to myself before if ever i get married i wanted to go unnoticed with less drama, less attention.. But getting married twice over was not part of the plan.

I often imagine myself  in my thirties ill be going around the globe ill be travelling having lots of fun ALONE..In my forties ill be enjoying time spent with family,friends..In my fifties i am contended happy sipping coffee just waiting time to pass by enjoying what i have @ that moment  juggling family & work in between..Serving god in whatever way i can..

Every-time it cross my mind i laugh how ironic isn’t .. What we never thought or expected just simply happens..And i learned a lot.. learned to compromise.. learned to behave maturely.. learned its okay to be co-dependent.. And be open for more possibilities.God has his Ways of teaching Us.. Life has its twist and turns i am still having all those plan.. Only that this time ill be sharing it with someone.